Interview Transcript

 5. LD: How do you feel about the way you look?

• DD: It's one of those situations where it's kind of a constant struggle. Some days I really feel myself, and then other days it’s like all I want to do is wear oversized clothing and not leave the house.

• GD: I feel okay about it, I guess. But not great at the same time. I guess you could say like the feelings “come in waves”. Like some days, I'm like, “Oh wow, I’m the baddest bitch in the world!” And then other days I’m like, “If I look in the mirror, I might just want to stay inside all day!”

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6. LD: Have you ever felt the need to look a certain way?

• DD: Definitely! Since I was younger, it was always sort of a thing you know? “Looking different.” I always felt like I was shorter and overweight compared to everyone around me. And then when I did get older, and started to thin out, it was still one of those situations where I was simultaneously thinner than before, but often being in the gay community I still managed to feel like none of that mattered. Because at the end of the day, even if part of me  thought I was skinnier than before, I still wasn’t as muscular, or as thin, or as attractive as the other people around me. 

• GD: Yes! Growing up, culture played a big part in that, and also because I have 5 sisters. So basically, it was like a constant battle between us all, trying to see who would be the “prettiest sister”. Then when it came to more cultural things, it was always “women of your culture should act, and look this way!” So I practically have been on every diet known to man since I was like 5 years old. Because growing up people were always like “You’re a little but chubby for a four-year old, so no McDonald’s for you! Here’s a stick of lettuce instead, good luck!”

  • LD: If you don’t mind me asking, for the purpose of this interview, what culture is it that you are referring to?

  • GD: Haitian culture for the most part. I am and always will be a Caribbean woman by nature.

 

7. LD: Keeping that in mind, do you feel as if the pandemic has affected/impacted those feelings or made them worse?

• DD: Definitely, yeah. It's one of those situations where I think being alone for an extended period of time, has left me with those same thoughts, feelings, and insecurities but to a new heightened level. Not to mention, the overall struggle of not being able to control so many aspects of my life. I constantly think to myself “Oh, well at least I can control the way I look.” I find myself counting calories more often, or forcing myself to exercise more, because in my mind,“at least I’ll come out of this situation looking better; maybe not feeling better but still. And I think that’s a toxic mindset to have, and its something that I’m genuinely trying to work on.

• GD: Yes. It was one of those things where I was sitting at home with my siblings and we looked at each other and we’re like, “We baked all the banana bread that we could, so I guess it’s time for us to work out!” Because even during a pandemic, you can’t necessarily “rest” you know? Like everyone is still expecting you to “do things” and I had been talking for a long time about how I wanted to “change my body,” or lose weight. So, when my siblings and I reached that point, I felt like that was the time do it. Because at that point, I felt like I literally had no excuse, and nothing else to do. And at the end of the day, like Dallas said, it was pretty much the one thing that I could control in my life, because everything else around me had basically been flipped into uncertainty.  So, for a long time now, I’ve kind of been “rubber-roading it,” because if I can “change my body,” then maybe I’ll feel better about myself “post-quarantine” (whenever that’ll be). It’s like I think my life will “be easier, or better” because I’ll somehow be more “conventionally attractive” to the people around me. Because let’s face it, in reality, nobody want to come out of quarantine and hear “Gabbi gained weight, that’s unfortunate!” So honestly, this journey is  like 60% wanting to do all of this for myself, and then 40% doing it because I’m afraid of what other people might say. But it kind of “flip flops” based on the day, or how I’m feeling about myself or others.

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8. LD: How often do you 𝗱𝗲𝗹𝗶𝗯𝗲𝗿𝗮𝘁𝗲𝗹𝘆 check your feature(s)? 

• DD: If I’m being 100% honest, I would say a minimum of 15-20 times a day. Definitely more when I stay at home because in my room, I have this full-length mirror. And if I find myself staying at home all day, I’m more tempted to constantly “check myself.” Like every time I pass it, or when I wake up first thing in the morning. In reality though, if there’s a mirror, or a reflective surface in the room, I’ll probably check myself at least one. Even if I’m in a in public restroom. I wait a minute to make sure no one is coming in, and then I’ll look to see if my waist is looking “small enough” that day. Or if it looks like I have definition in my abs.

• GD: Honestly, it depends on the day. For a while, and even now, I check myself 10-15 times a day. And then other days, I literally feel repulsed if I look at myself in the mirror, and don’t want to look even once. Because if I do, I just find myself nitpicking for what feels like hours. Some days if I look at a mirror, I find it hard to function for the rest of the day because I can’t stop thinking “Oh, that’s out of place!” or “Has that always looked like that?!” Like you could ask anyone of my sisters, that some days it’s literally like talking me off of a ledge. For instance, one time, I literally stared at myself in the mirror for 45 minutes, because I felt like my face was lopsided. In my head I looked like Quasimodo, but in reality I didn’t. Everyone around me was like “Your face is fine!” but I was like “NO, IT’S NOT!” And that’s just one example of the reasons why I just can’t bring myself to look in a mirror some days. It’s like  I’m afraid that I’ll either hate what I see when I look, and even if I don’t, I still do a little. So, it’s really like there’s no winning for losing in that situation.

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9. LD: How often do your features 𝗰𝘂𝗿𝗿𝗲𝗻𝘁𝗹𝘆 lead you to avoid situations or activities?

• DD: It really just depends. Somedays, like I said before, I’ll wake up, and immediately hate the way I look. I find myself thinking is someone going to look at me and say “Oh, he looks a certain type of way today” or “He has no business wearing that.” It all comes back to the same insecurities that I was talking about before. They basically do make me feel like I don’t want to leave the house, or go out some days. Especially when it comes to going places like the beach. For example, I grew up living in Daytona, and when I lived there, I never really wanted to go to the beach or to the waterpark. And if I did, or had to go, I'd literally wear a shirt the whole time. 

• GD: A lot. More than I'd like to admit. It’s one of those things where I know I'm a smart and funny person, but it's also like I know people don’t know those things about me, and really only judge others based on what they see at first glance. Like I could literally be the most interesting person in a room, or the funniest person in a room, but if I’m “fat” or “ugly,” none of that really matters. At first, most people only focus on what they see in front of them, rather than someone’s personality or character.

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10. LD: If you have a 𝗽𝗮𝗿𝘁𝗻𝗲𝗿, to what extent do your feelings about the way you look currently have an effect on your relationship with an existing partner? 

• DD: I’m actually currently not in a relationship.

• GD: I do not have an existing partner.

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a.  LD: If you 𝗱𝗼 𝗻𝗼𝘁 𝗵𝗮𝘃𝗲 𝗮 𝗽𝗮𝗿𝘁𝗻𝗲𝗿, to what extent do your feelings about the way you look currently have an effect on dating or developing a relationship?

• DD: Like I said before, I’m not in a relationship at the moment, and I think that my feelings about the way I look definitely hold me back from having that. I think a big part of it is the fact that I almost use my body as a hindrance and an accelerator. Like when I think my body does look good, I want to show it off to “potential boyfriends” that I meet through different dating apps. I do so by sending them some provocative photos or videos and think that by doing so, they’ll like me. Unfortunately, then the relationship is solely sexual, and then I find myself wondering “Oh, why is this not developing any further?” And the answer is because I basically shot myself in the foot because I sent them these “sexy pictures” right away, rather than getting to know them better first. I basically think I’m gonna win these guys over by showing them my body on good days, but then on other days when I’m not feeling good about myself, and don’t want to send a picture or video, they get upset and then cut me off completely. It’s kind of a vicious cycle.

• GD: I don't know. I feel like I put off thoughts like that, and have for a while now. I feel like because of the way my body looks, it’s almost like I think “I’m not worthy” of being loved by other people sometimes. All of my sisters and friends are beautiful, and as an extension of that, the way they feel about me makes me beautiful in a way. But honestly, relationships in my head, are for attractive people. A since I don’t think of myself as attractive, in turn, I don't feel like I'm “deserving” of a relationship. 

 

11. ​LD: Was this situation the same “pre-COVID”?

• DD: I would say it was similar, but the pandemic for sure heightened the situation. I would say it’s been a recurring situation for a while, but COVID made it worse because I find myself feeling lonely more often, which results in me “searching.” Like I have my friends, and I have my family, but when you’re self-isolating, aren’t working or living alone for an extended period of time like I was during the pandemic for a while,  I constantly found myself craving a “relationship." Was I going about it the right way? No. Were these really “relationships”? Also no. They had no meaning, and part of me wishes I never did send those pictures, but at the end of the day, you can’t change the past. All you can do is learn from it.

• GD: I guess you could say that I didn’t think about it as much “pre-COVID.” I think it’s because I definitely have more time to think about it now during the pandemic. It’s kind of like I think, and thought, that if I “change myself,” then maybe somebody will love me. But the more I think about it, the more I realize how stupid that actually sounds. It’s kind of like I’m on a track that I can’t stop, like a runaway train. Once these thoughts find their way into my head, they’re kind of there to stay. I guess what I’m trying to say is, I didn’t think about these things as much before, because I was busy. But now it’s like even when I’m at home with other people, I still find myself “feeling lonely” you know? Because platonic and familial relationships aren’t the same as a romantic relationship. So basically, before the pandemic, I barely had time to think that way, but now I definitely am thinking about it more than before.